June 2010

I love being married to a genius. Last night, Bill and I went to this nice Mexican restaurant near the southern border in California with our good friend, the Governator. When the almost non-english speaking waitress tried to figure out our order, Bill was very patient and insisted on going in the back of the restaurant and showing her exactly what he wanted. He came back a half hour later satisfied that he had taken care of "business". I don't know why him and Arnold kept "high-fiving" because the food order was still wrong.

What I think was inspiring was his desire to open communications and not become frustrated. So that is what I'm proposing. That we all become more patient with all the illegal immigrants living in this country. Then, let's open up all the borders so people can freely flow in. Can you imagine that? The world would kind of be under a single idea, a kind of utopia. It would be like the whole world living under a government system.

Then we have statues of our leaders who inspired us, let's say....me. Every day we could have ceremonies where people could do a little bow to the statue, in remembrance of the great idea.

Who is going to pay for it you ask? Now you're beginning to sound like a hater. Hmm...perhaps there needs to be a stricter gun control setup. Yes! And then a big friendly police force to make sure that everyone is freely thinking in lock step.

This was just an idea, all inspired by a simple meeting between my husband and an illegal immigrant waitress who Bill insisted on writing our phone number on the one dollar tip he left. Good ole' Bill, the communicator.

April 2010

Everyone celebrate!!! The health care bill has finally passed before anyone could really read it! Phew! That was a close one! (Which is what Bill always seems to say whenever I catch him standing by an open window).

Sooner or later, American's would have read this Healthcare thingy and realized that it will make this country into a third world refugee camp, like England!

Sorry I'm gloating a bit, I just take great pleasure seeing the looks on all the conservative faces as we finally passed this thing and what ever is written in it. All I know is that patients will need patience, that's my great new slogan for this. I tried to tell my doctor this new motto but he said there would be a 2 month wait to get in to see him. Hmm, maybe it's faster in Canada...

To celebrate I bought some see-through lingerie to wear for Bill. But, alas, when he saw me he became desperately ill and we rushed him to the hospital to fill out the forms to set his appointment next summer. Thank Barack that we don't have to pay for this, and thank you for footing our bill, taxpayer. I was worried we'd have to sell off one of our houses.

Speaking of prayer, I was saying my prayers to Barack last night when I had a vision of an Angel sneaking down the hallway. I think Bill heard her too, because he was tip toeing after her. Boy, Angels are getting fat nowadays...

March 2010

I hate to say it, but Barack is doing a great job at protecting your freedom! If had been elected, taking away your guns to protect you from yourselves would have been my first priority! But our Prezzy is one sly fox, he's breaking you financially so you won't be able to afford any more guns! If I hadn't seen his unauthentic short-form birth certificate forgery, I'd swear he must have been born Barack Clinton.

Barack is so good at making back alley deals, I wonder how much he learned from my administration. Don't worry commoners, he didn't watch me, I'm way too careful. I'm not gonna get caught with my pants down in some back alley, Bill is the one he must have learned that from. Hmmm...that didn't sound quite right....

I'm hoping you non-progressive, backward thinking "tax payers" come to the realization that we really need Barack. He is the hope and future of our new America. I plan on following him where ever he goes. My support is unflinching and bold, unlike Bill after his saturday morning beating when he stumbles home at 6:00 a.m. That's right, Barack. I'm standing right behind you, waiting...

I hope this message has encouraged you to drop your guns and pray to the government for a better economy. Or else.

January 2010

Happy New Year comrades! Get ready to be healthy this year, because under the new Wealthcare, I mean Healthcare plan our favorite Pres is pushing through, all those mean capitalistic business owners will finally quit stealing money from their employees…and let the government take a shot at it!

Me and Barrack both agree that our resolution is to make this big government stronger, faster, and mo' betta! I even nicknamed him the "6 Trillion Dollar Man". Those dumbbell conservatives think he's going to destroy the economy, sheesh! Don't they understand that he'll get the Fed to print more money if we run out?!

I hope those close-minded idiot's at Fox News quit trying to tarnish his all glorious image, those guys are so one-sided. I think everyone should watch NBC (New Barrack Channel), ABC (All Barrack Channel), CBS (Constant Barrack Showings), and C-Span (Crap-Spewing President Adoration Network).

Now to explain our plan to disarm this country and…wait a minute, Bill just came home. Oh no, not another eye infection! He gets these every year when he finally comes home from New Years parties. Well, I better go take care of my loving husband. By the way, why do eye infections smell like pepper?

By the way, just because Xmas is over doesn't mean we have to quit wearing red!

December 2009

Ho ho ho comrades! Hillary "Santa" Clinton here wishing you all the best feelings a government official is allowed to dole out this Present Redistribution Day! Since Christmas has been made illegal and the new Present Redistribution Day is set to be declared in 2010, I thought I'd give my reader's a heads' up. Soon our PRD trucks will be visiting each an every house to make sure that all presents are handed out evenly (with a 20% PRD tax of course).

My husband Bill just loves these holidays. I just know he's getting me something good this year, why just last night at about 3:00 a.m., I caught him whispering to a lady on the phone. I hope she was a jewelry store worker, cuz' last year's gas station hoagie was a terrible gift! I asked for a back hair shaving kit, but the way Bill was talking all lovey-dovey to the lady on the phone, I think the present is going to be really romantic!

Oh! And I haven't forgot you, my trigger happy friends! Me and the pressie are working on a new Ammo Liability Boondoggle Tax. Not only will this measure pay off the national debt, but it will allow us to jail anyone who buys ammo, then uses it somewhere. Ah yes, that will stop criminals!

My PRD present to Barrack is a catchy new slogan for 2010:
Barrack Obama - Changing One Right At A Time

November 2009

Don't you just love change? The leaves falling from the trees, the weather as it gets brisk, and the sound of our president's laughter as we do away with capitalism. Don't fret you worry warts. America is going to be so much better. And no, we're not switching to Communism. The President and I have come up with a much better system. It combines community participation with capitalism, we like to call it Commutism.

This system will be so much better, and fair! After hard working Americans start paying a 65% tax, we'll use that money, minus government fees of course, to redistribute to those who don't work. That creates the ultimate balance! The result: less worry about money. If you don't have any, you'll be stress free!

With all this stress relief and everyone getting an equal share, this will eliminate the need for wanting more. Therefore reducing crime and eliminating your need for self-protection. Thanks to Commutism, you won't need to waste any more money on your silly guns or ammo!

We can't wait to dole out this new freedom to all of America. So get ready to move through quick handout queues at local redistribution Commutist centers. Oh yeah, if everyone could wear the same color shirt, let's say...brown, it will make everyone feel like their on the same team.

Let's all be comrades in the new Commutist Society of America! Achtung baby!

October 2009

I'm baaaackk!!! Greetings comrades, or should I say, Happy Halloween? I'm clicking my pointy shoes in glee over President Obama's selection of me as the new Halloween Czar! He claimed that my Fidel Castro costume (matches the one he wears in private) was top-notch. What was strange is that I wasn't even wearing my Halloween costume yet. Maybe Bill was right, I do need to wax my upper lip!

As Halloween Czar, I'm going to pass legislation that all Halloween candy must be distributed evenly among all the trickster's and the treaters. I'm calling for the forming of a tax-payer funded task force called the CDS (Candy Distribution System). That way kid's who are too lazy to Trick or Treat will be delivered a bag of candy at the end of the night on Halloween. Of course, this same distribution service will go around collecting candy from the kid's who did Trick or Treat. The new CDS formation bill, URA#2, is 6,238 pages long and contains no pork whatsoever, (just a few minor gun restrictive tricks for you gun nuts, and a teeny-weeny kickback treat for me and Bill).

We're kicking off the CDS with a costume party at the new CDS building, located where the old church and soup-kitchen used to be on the south end of DC. I, or course, will be wearing my new witch costume, with rolling pin instead of a broom (in case Bill gets "flirty"), and Bill says he's going to wear his trenchcoat again. Why does everyone think that one is so funny?

Next month I will discuss El Presidente's new policy for America. It's about community, and sharing, and giving of yourself to help your community. We call it Commutism, it will be so much better than Capitalism!

September 09

Welcome to Crazy O' Bama's Used Health Care Plans! If you are out shopping for a new health care system, Crazy O' Bama's is the one for you! There's no need to come down to Crazy O' Bama's showroom and ask a bunch of silly questions, our highly paid, hand-picked reporters do it for you!

This new health care plan was previously owned by a little old lady from Pasadena, and was hardly ever used! Our panel of judges guarantee it!

Crazy O' Bama has scoured the history books to find the perfect health care plan for today's constitutionally unburdened American. He consulted with fine leaders such as Leisure Suit Lenin, Koo Koo Karl, and Make-A-Deal Marx!

Dozens of patient Brits & Canadians agree, this is the plan worth waiting for. You'll die when you hear what this plan has in store. So come on down to Crazy O' Bama's and que up for your equally doled-out portion of freedom!*

*Health care may not be available for those paying taxes.

August 2009

Typical Americans! You come to the website of some second amendment looney hoping to feel like your part of some "movement". This foolishness is why I decided to run for president/ayatollah in the first place...I wanted to "change" your freedoms!

Hillary graciously let me fill in for her this month on her column while she ran to the drug store to buy some special shampoo for her husband, Bill. I guess he gets real itchy, which is weird because I never see him scratching his head. He just stands there with his hands in his pockets.

If you silly Americans would back my Obamacare Health Bill, the Clintons wouldn't have to worry about who will be paying for Bill's weekly antibiotics!

This healthcare plan would solve so many problems. For instance, the people who back my campaign financially could get medication for their ulcers from worrying about if I support all their special interests. Just think of all those poor boards of directors of pharmasutical companies who were worried that their billions wouldn't be kicked back!

I promise you Americans that this Obamacare will do for the health care industry what the Stimulus money did for the economy, praise Allah!

You may be asking yourself, "what does this have to do with guns?". Well, friend, this health plan may, could, or might help when you registered gun lunatics are all running around and shooting each other, just like our trusted newsmedia reports.

And don't worry about the huge tax increase. If you are moderately wealthy, things should stay about the same. Some of you unwealthy types are starting to say that I'm "out of touch" with the common man. Nothing could be farther from the truth, I have my servants put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you.

Many of you are calling me on the carpet because of my lying about not increasing your taxes, being a weasel with the stimulus package, and some even say I drive around in gas guzzling limos smoking big fat stogies. Nothing could be farther from the truth, I do not, I repeat, do not smoke cigars. Espicially if they are from Bill Clinton's old desk.

Thanks for letting me speak my mind. Remember, don't trust this Mick McArt, trust the main$tream media. Tighten your belts and take a big sigh of relief because my administration is only getting started. Next up, the coronation of my Supreme Court nominee, Sonia Sodomiter. Hail Ming!

July 2009

Happy Independance Day gun lovers! Have a beer or two to celebrate your freedom, that way you'll be too drunk to know we're taking them away! Don't worry, we promise not to get drunk with power while your distracted. You have my word we won't start raising taxes on energy and...oh, nevermind, my bad.

President Obama is so cute, he asked me why this "Fourth of July" was so important to us that were born in the United States. I told him it was the day we celebrate the "Declaration of Independance" from our rightful masters in England. There's a country that knows true independance. A place where no burglar or rapist ever has to fear for their life because some "looney gun nut" decides to protect his family. My what a big wonderful government they have!

Bill flew there this week to help them with some "District" legislation. He called me last night and seemed very dissappointed, he kept mumbling that "It's not the one in Amsterdam!" He's such a trooper.

Enjoy your freedom day everyone! By next year me and the President hope to "change" that. With true patriots in Washington like Nancy Pelosi, Al Franken, and our newest Supreme court hopeful Sonia Sodomiter, we plan on taking your indenpendance to a new level!

June 2009

This month me and B.O. are working on a draft of what we call the "New Freedom" act. It's our new ultra-crime fighting bill. It's so exciting! First, we make a bunch of new laws that make every second amendment freedom you have illegal, then we arrest and imprison you for doing something that was completely legal the day before the passing of the bill! Microstamps here we come!

You gun rubes accepted gun registration pretty easily, and still don't protest against it, so this should pass pretty easy. Just relax in your Laz-E-Boy while me and the president get this through. We'll look like heroes after this "New Freedom" bill because the prisons will be full of former law-abiding citizens, making them a much safer place. Hey, bring the whole family! Think of it like a camp! These fun camps, will detain...I mean will be a great place to enjoy your long sentence...I mean, reeducation. You'll relearn about behaving, submission-type liberties, and new moral codes. (Why are people against new types of marriage? Take it from someone who has had a long and happy marriage, anybody should be allowed to marry who they want. Ain't that a pithy statement? I wonder where Bill went tonight?)

I hope that this new act will make you forget about those pesky Bill of Rights, especially the Second Amendment. Why not, the silver and gold articles have been forgotten. I love change. So does Bill. He keeps asking me for some every time he goes into a gas station bathroom. What could he possibly getting in there?

May 2009

I like May. It reminds me of "May Issue" permits. This "Shall Issue" nonsense has got to go. Not that I'm about limiting your freedom through beaurocracy, I'm all about you gaining new freedoms....like freedom from responsibility.
Imagine a peaceful world where you don't have to defend your family, or friends, or your rights. I promise, the new president and I are working on that right now. You won't even have to make your own decisions, like which school of indoctrination to send your government ward (child) to.

We're even planning on governmental restrictions on religion so that everyone gets along. I'm sure God doesn't mind us deciding whats right and wrong. Me and Bill both agreed a long time ago that we'd deal with Him later.

Speaking of "May Issue", in the not too distant future we'll even be providing the people with "Government May Issue (AKA: GMI or General Motors Inc.)" vehicles for those who "choose" (we're all for choice) to go along with our program. We're even looking into "May Issue" housing and "May Issue" toilet paper. Cue up early my friends, more unearned handouts are on the way!

April 2009

April Fools! Ha! We sure fooled all you pro gunners who voted for Mr. O thinking that you'd still have your freedoms. Don't worry though, all the detainment camps we've been building aren't for you, they are for "terrorists". You know, those gun toting maniacs who run around spouting their beliefs that this presidency doesn't support...wait a minute, forget I just said that.

Barack and I plan to do to your freedom like we're doing for the banks and auto industry, we're going to Baal, I mean, bail you out. If this freedom ship starts to sink, we'll just throw some overboard, that should keep us afloat. Now do you feel better? I have to admit, when I lay my head down at night in my 6.5 million dollar estate, I'm thinking of you what I can do to help. Just last night I thought of a way to raise the cost of bullets to raise tax money for many of the unemployed who've been living on welfare their whole lives.

I tried to tell Bill, but he was obviously out sleepwalking again. He must have sleep-walked right out of the house because I followed the bad smell of Aqua Velva and the trail french fry bags to where his Corvair was no longer parked. As usual, secret service had tracked him down to the police station where I orchestrated my own personal "Bailout". Bill is so misunderstood, even in his sleep he's trying to bring home these homeless young ladies who wander the street at night. Aren't you glad we're in charge of your future?

March 2009

Isn't Barack doing a great job? He's bringing back the sense of community that America hasn't seen in years. Multiple families living together, sharing food (where they can find it), and best of all, crime goes down if no one can afford a legal gun, right?

He's so smart, that Baalout Stimulus plan is helping out the needy. I mean, I didn't think me and Bill could afford a third house, especially one in the richest part of Ft. Lauderdale, but Bill insisted on living by this one beach every spring. He just loves ocean sunsets. He admires them all night sometimes, bless his heart, he comes home so tired. I told Bill we shouldn't overspend, but after our personal baalout, we should be able to sell this one and step into a nicer, unaffordable one!

By the way gun loonies, there's nothing wrong with microstamping bullets. This isn't taking away any of your freedoms yet, er, I mean, freedom has a price, heh heh. Besides that, this is the first step towards when we microstamp our seal on your foreheads or hands for future gun purchases, that way we can keep track who's doing what.

Hey, we're all making sacricfices during these hard times, just the other day I had to break the bad news to Chelsea that her chauffered limo will not be catered with 3 kinds of caviar, only two. (Weeping) I'm sorry baby, we all have to adjust!

February 2009

I think us true freedom lovers have reason to rejoice in our hearts this Valentines Day. First, Barack's trying to push through the "Baal-Out" package that I totally support (unless it gets politically inconvenient), and we're finally instituting the first step in our world-wide gun ban. Thank you comrade Rahm!

Hee hee, but don't you gun-owners worry, *chuckle*, especially you hunters, these "common sense" gun bans, er, I mean restrictions, will never affect you....ha ha ha ha!!! I'm sorry, I just love the mix of politics, campaign promises, and an ever-so-gullible public. It even put me in one of my rare loving moods. I haven't had one of those since the night the Watergate scandal broke, sigh, that was the night Chelsea was conceived. Bill thought I'd be too high to remember that.

Valentines day is something sweet, so don't just disarm your lover with flowers, take away their rights, I mean, take their breath-away with something special. For example, I just had Bill deliver Sarah Brady a valentine card thanking her for all her neo-american efforts. Hmmm, he sure has been a long-time, does it really take all night to deliver a card?

Remember guys, if you want to impress your ladies this Valentines day, take the advice I gave to the BATF when they went to "rescue" the family at Ruby Ridge, aim for the heart!